Marriage has been a hot topic of conversation for millennia, but people’s standards and expectations for their
relationships are ever-changing and -evolving. From how long it’s appropriate to be in the dating stages
before marriage is discussed, to how long it’s acceptable to be in a committed relationship before a ring is
produced, opinions can widely vary. However, in terms of what matters to each individual relationship, it
comes down to knowing your own values and those of your partner.
WHEN SHOULD MARRIAGE BE DISCUSSED?
Every couple has their own unique pace, so there won’t be a single answer to this question. It helps to know
how serious both parties are about the relationship as quickly as possible and to make sure that expectations
for the relationship match up. If one person is wanting to get married, settle down, and start a family within
three to five years of starting to date, but the other party is genuinely not interested in marriage at all, it’s
best for everyone involved if this is discovered early on. That way, the pair can decide if it’s worth going
any deeper into the relationship before time is wasted and hearts are broken, idealistically speaking.
That being said, is it possible to bring up the idea of marriage too soon? Again, that will depend on the
situation. For example, if you’re in a setting specifically designed to help pair people into romantic
relationships such as speed dating or online dating sites and apps, it would be significantly less surprising for
that information to be offered and asked for freely. In fact, dating profiles will often ask what kind of
relationship you’re looking for (casual, serious, none, etc.) right off the bat.
However, if your dating relationship began in a more traditional sense, there may not be an organic way to
approach the topic right away. If that’s the case, there’s no need to hurry into a potentially awkward
conversation. Wait until at least one person feels like they could see a long-term future with the other. Then,
that person can bring up the subject of marriage and/or life partnerships in a moment that feels appropriate.
This conversation is important, though, so try not to put it off for too long. You don’t want to be years into a
relationship only to find out that you both have different end goals in mind.
HOW LONG IS TOO LONG TO WAIT FOR A RING?
If you and your partner have had “The Talk” as described above, and you’ve agreed that you’re on the same
page with each other, the next step is getting to that point in the relationship when you feel like “This is the
person I want to share my life with.” Traditionally, the man will buy and propose with an engagement ring
when he’s reached that point. But what if the girlfriend has been ready for that step for a long time now and
there has been no progress made by the boyfriend? How long is too long to wait before it becomes a matter
of “wasting time”?
The answer may change depending on what the relationship status and end goals are. If there are already
children in the relationship, there may be less of a feeling of urgency when it comes to actually getting
married since the ticking clock of motherhood isn’t a factor (or, at the very least, is probably less of one).
Men don’t have the same kind of time constraint that women do when it comes to bearing children, and if
having kids is important to a woman, that can be a huge deciding factor in how long she’s willing to wait for
a man to propose. If the girlfriend has not had a child yet, but having one is a defined life goal for her, she’ll
likely want to get started on having a family as soon as she’s decided that her significant other is “The One.”
IS GETTING MARRIED EVERYONE’S END GOAL?
From another perspective, though, the wait might not be an issue at all. In fact, a growing number of couples
don’t have marriage in their plans at all. If a couple is in a committed and faithfully loving relationship with
each other, but neither party is interested in the legality of marriage, should their relationship be viewed as
any less legitimate than someone who has been married more than once? Or less legitimate than any married
couple at all? When looked at from a legal and religious perspective, it comes down to a reciprocated pact
that one person makes with another–a promise to be loving, faithful, supportive, and true to your spouse no
matter what may come. While this covenant was meant to be sacred, rising divorce rates support the
argument that marrying your significant other may be no more permanent than a tattoo that can be lasered
off. If that’s the case, shouldn’t the couple who has remained faithful to each other for years, even decades,
without getting married be shown the same respect as a couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary?
SHOULD MARRIAGE LICENSES REQUIRE REGULAR RENEWALS LIKE OTHER LICENSES?
Derrick Jaxn gave us a lot to consider with his proposition of license renewals. If we had to renew our
marriage licenses on a regular basis, would we take the relationship with our spouse a bit more seriously?
Or, in the worst-case scenarios, would it make necessary separations just a little less painful? Suppose you
have to renew your vows yearly for the first five years, then once at your ten-year, then again every decade
thereafter. On top of celebrating your anniversaries, this may provide a great opportunity for couples to sit
down and talk about their relationship with one another, discussing the good, the bad, the bearable, and the
intolerable so that issues are dressed and successes are illuminated. Granted, it’s also possible that this would
bring about higher divorce rates (or, perhaps “marriage expiration rates” would be more fitting here), but it
would likely place a much higher value on the long-term marriage rather than just the one-time wedding
event.
SHOULD YOU WAIT FOR THE RING?
To reiterate, there is no generalized right or wrong answer to this question, but there is a right or wrong
answer for you. If you’re someone who knows that the ring, the wedding, and the family are all goals that
you hold dear to your heart, and you’ve been given every reason to believe that your partner is on the same
page, you might not want to wait as long as someone else. Some food for thought to take away from this
topic includes:
Takeaways:
1. A happy middle ground answer for “how long to wait before expecting a ring” appears to be anywhere
between two and five years into the relationship.
2. If you’re less worried about time constraints, waiting longer isn’t a bad thing! Time flies when you’re an
adult, and even more so when you’re in a relationship, so giving yourself an extra couple of years to make
sure that there are no deal-breaking surprises lurking just around the corner.
3. Communication is absolutely key when you’re setting expectations for your relationship. Talk with your
partner about your goals and make sure that they match up with each other’s.
4. Renewing your commitment, regardless of whether it’s required in the future or not, can be a beautiful and
sweet way to revisit your goals with each other even after saying “I do.” You might find the practice helps
improve communication and feelings toward one another.
5. Above all else, do what is right for you, regardless of what society expects of you. Find a partner who
respects your happiness and encourages and supports you just as well as you encourage and support them.
Waiting is only a bad thing when you feel like time has been wasted. If you’re happy in your relationship,
then any extra time will only make you that much more confident if and when you finally take that leap into
forever with your loved one.
