Our Mission

 

Do you or have you ever felt pressure from friends, family and society in general to meet certain life expectations or meet certain milestones in your life? Feel like you’re running out of time to get married, have kids and start your career? Looking for advice and ideas on how to navigate through these experiences? If yes, then you should tune into this episode of On Everyone’s Lips. The hosts, Chelsea Jade, Lindsey J, and Monique, explore and talk about the different pressures faced looking at our life expectations versus the true reality of life situations. The mission of the podcast, as stated by the hosts, is to inspire listeners to live beyond the norm, surpass self-limiting beliefs, to discover self-actualization, to offer techniques and strategies to alter mental perceptions through interviews from thought leaders, innovators and experts. The ladies of OEL set out to do just that in their very first episode as we’re invited to “sit back, relax and enjoy some juicy conversation.

The episode was broadcasted live that to allow for the audience to participate. After introducing themselves, the ladies let us know that this episode is going to center around the ideas of societal pressure and where we’re supposed to be in our lives.

Ticking Biological Clock: The Push to Have Children at the “Right Time”

When people start to approach the age of 30, they start to experience this pressure about their status in life, feeling like they should be getting married and having children. Women face a lot of pressure but people don’t realize that men also get pressured too.

Skip to: 03:19 According to an article from the Daily Mail, a lot of people don’t realize it or don’t believe it but new fathers in their 40s are less fertile. It’s stated that men should start having children before the age of 35 to limit risk to the children and their partners. Men think that they have until they’re middle-ages, but that may not be the case.

Skip to: 04:20 Monique lets us know from an article on fatherly.com, that men do have biological clocks that makes them want to have kids the older they get..

It’s like they get baby fever as well. A lot of us may not realize this.

Lindsey, being the only one with a child, takes a moment to ask the ladies a question about pressure. Do they feel pressured to have kids and get married? Chelsea says not so much pressure but her mother does want grandkids at some point but her mother does say when she and her siblings are ready for that and not on her time.

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Monique says while she was in her late teens and early 20s she was surrounded by her peers having kids and at the time she was glad it wasn’t her. However, the older she got she started to think “I wish it was me” but she places it in God’s hands saying “all things in God’s timing”. She still has felt pressure because she doesn’t have kids and probing questions still come from fellow peers and family members that want to know when she will reach those milestones.

Chelsea broaches the notion that Black women in particular are deeply affected by medical problems and the older you get there are greater chances for complications, so we try to be mindful to put a time limit on when we’re trying to have children. So it definitely feels like that biological clock is ticking.

For Monique, she has always wanted the family dynamic and although she wants a baby, she would rather wait on a man who wants to be around so that they could be a family or at least co-parent. That desire is stronger than just having a baby.

 

Marriage: Fools in Love or Foolish in Love?

 

Lindsey experiences more of the pressure to get married because she already has a child. She expresses her desire to get married someday but is not unhappy in her current situation. For some, getting married puts them in the upper echelons of society it would seem. Married means that they are established, their status is different, improved. They are not lonely single people. That feeling to get married might also justify that someone has wanted a person so much that there’s this feeling of being chosen by someone. Because of this, rather than being with someone who actually treats them right, some women don’t end up with good husbands or good fathers of their children. They don’t want to be alone and they want to feel chosen by someone.

Monique voices there is a bad perception on singleness where people are lonely and unhappy.  While that’s generally not true, there are moments of this but it’s always better to wait and get married for the right reasons, and not just for the surface reasons.

Chelsea takes up a point from Lindsey about some women ending up having kids with guys who are no good and she wants to know: can you have a family with someone who’s just a boyfriend and not be married to them? She believes they can.

Lindsey agrees but people nowadays are losing out on the concept of family. She poses the question why wouldn’t we want to get married? Children are big commitments. When people have children together, they are lifetime commitments. That doesn’t just go away once a child turns 18. Kids will grow up and have their own families that you’ll want to be a part of.

In that same vein though, Chelsea raises the point that some people get married only because they have kids which can be detrimental too. So people have to be mindful of those decisions. Those marriages can be miserable when couples only get married because of the children. Folks may get married to people they really shouldn’t be.

 

Career: It’s Never Too Late

In switching gears, Chelsea brings up the idea of facing pressures concerning career. She asks if they’ve felt they needed to have it by a certain age or did they want to have a certain amount of money. Was there a specific timeframe for that?

Monique spoke on having very little pressure for that. She obtained a higher position and that’s when her job became her career. She didn’t face any pressure but she knows there’s pressure out there. Chelsea wants to know the difference between a job versus a career and Monique outlines that a career is for the long-term. A career involves moving forward with a company. A job, even though jobs are useful and necessary, doesn’t allow room for growth. For Lindsey, she feels the most pressure concerning her career just based on what she wanted to do with her life. She wants to buy a house and help her daughter go to school. She felt pressure in her career because you can’t get anywhere without money. If there are things you want in life, you have to make money and money also helps you keep control of your life. There are people starting businesses and young Youtube stars making money just making videos.

Chelsea believes it’s only natural to look at what you’re doing in your life and if what you’re doing now isn’t putting you ahead then you should write your goals down, the steps to move toward them, and re-evaluate. You might be in your late 20s to early 30s, but people move at different times and it’s important to take the time to figure out what you want to do and where you want to be in life. If you’re not there, take the steps. You know what works for you. Monique adds if you feel you haven’t accomplished what you wanted to, keep pushing because it is never too late. She never imagined having a podcast show.

When it comes to marriage and children, Lindsey states not everyone wants kids or marriage. People tend to judge folks for not wanting to get married. Not wanting kids might make them seem selfish but everyone has different goals. The main people that judge tend to be miserable.

 

Home: It’s Where You Want It

 

Where do you want to be in life? What are your life expectations for yourself? How can you position yourself to drive towards the goal?

The ladies also think about the merits and pressures of home ownership. We might all want our own pieces of property but Lindsey reminds us that it’s about what makes us happy, whether we’re travelling the world or renting a space.

 

The Guest Caller: Staying True to Yourself

 

The ladies then take the opportunity to take a caller named April who first takes the time to congratulate them on their first episode. She then wants to chime in and give advice on staying true to yourself no matter what anyone says. Do what’s best for you because at the end of the day, you have to live with the decisions you make,” she says. When it comes to marriage if you’ve been with someone for a while, you don’t want to give men an ultimatum or a time limit to propose. Those are not good conditions to want him to propose under. For single parents, she advises to go with what feels right. God has a plan for everyone. Keep the faith and he will put someone in your life meant for you.

Lindsey poses a question for April. She asks do you feel that because you had kids first, was there pressure to get married quicker? April says yes, and explains that she came from a two-parent household and never had the desire to have a baby out of wedlock. She got married because it was the right thing to do and you have to be careful with decisions. You can start making yourself feel guilty. She got married and then got divorced and felt guilty towards her kids. She couldn’t really explain what was going on because they were going through something she had never had to go through before. Lindsey wishes she had that family dynamic and male figure for her daughter, but if it doesn’t work out it sucks because she feels like she will have failed her.

April lets them know the kids have gone through the struggle but it’s a blessing to then seeing a mother happy. When you find a man to love you, and your children it’s just that much better. Monique, thinking positively, also notes that going through something like that also lets the kids know that life isn’t all roses. Going through something like this can help them understand that not everything goes right and that they can learn that you can learn from any situation. It’s better to show kids that you can get away from “just because” marriages.